Confession: I Am Selfish

In the grand scheme of things, I am a selfish person. Everything I do is because somewhere in my mind I know that every action is to benefit me in some way.

Even the things that might appear to be for others is only because I want to be praised for it. I cannot truly do anything that is selfless. 

I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. Is there any possible way that I could live my life selflessly?

My birthday is coming up. Part of me wants to be excited for it, but the other part want to just forget about it.

I want to celebrate it. I'm lucky to have made it this far in life. I'm happy that this last year didn't kill me, literally. And I know deep inside there are people who can say they are happy I exist. Yet, I end up disappointing myself every year.

I don't know. When it comes to me feeling excited about something, I guess I hope others might be too. But I'm abnormal in that way. If someone else is celebrating it, I love to make them feel special. I would plan a party, surprise them with a gift, just make sure they are happy.

And sure those are good things for me to do, but then when something specific to me runs around I guess I just expect them to do the same, and that's not fair to them.

Most people don't like planning. Most people find it anxiety inducing to pick out a gift, even for their closest loved ones. Or maybe they're tight on money and really need to save and have a million things to do rather than be with my narcissistic self.

I understand that, really I do. Every logical cell in my body recognizes that other people have lives outside of me. They should, that's healthy for everyone.

But I can hear that little voice of dissappointment. That feeling of being ignored. Not cared for. I literally have no reason for this. I hate it. No ones forgotten about me. I have people who care for me and love me a lot.

But I can't imagine why, when I feel this selfish for wanting someone there. 

I need to get off this high horse. This feeling of entitlement. That if I do someone a favor that they owe me. They don't. Everything I do should be about because I love them, not because I'm doing a business exchange of kindness.

So I don't know. How can I celebrate my birthday when all I wish is that it was forgotten? I'd be so much easier if I could just give and not need anything in return. I wish I could just be an entity for good that people didn't have to care about or appreciate.

Till next time,

Annie

Advocating for Confidence

I am neither ugly nor beautiful. I have not repulsed others, but I don't attract them. I'm not always wearing sweatpants, but rarely dress up too. Not overweight, and not the skinniest. Neither tall nor short. If I am anything, I am average. Normal. In between everything. I'm ok.

I have those times wear I feel like sometimes that's worse than being on one side of that spectrum. What is unique about me? What sets me apart from all these other beautiful people walking around me?

If I were short, then I'd be cute and petite. If I were tall, I'd be a gorgeous amazon. If I wore sweats all the time, I'd be laid back and down to earth. If I dressed up I'd be the fashionable Pinterest worthy woman. If I were slimmer, I'd be a model fitting into those unbelievable size 2s. If I were larger, I'd be the sexy curvy woman. But I'm not. I fall too much in the middle to be any of those things. Sure, you can list the negatives of each too. Clothes would be harder to find. If I wore sweats I'd be called lazy, but if I dressed up I'd be stuck up. Yet, I can't think of a time where I have ever seen a truly ugly woman. I can list those positives much faster than the negatives.

Yet as soon as I look at myself in the mirror, the negatives come much quicker than those positives. It is much easier for me to feel like I am the only actual ugly person on this earth. I know that's ridiculous too. If I cannot seem to find an ugly person on this planet, how do I truly believe I am? Confidence is such a weird thing.

I feel confident in the weirdest ways.

I feel confident when I light a candle and dance to my Pentatonix for an hour, flinging myself around like a maniac, sweating like a cow. But I'm there feeling amazing and sexy in the candlelight with my baggy pants and my sports bra with my abs and waist feeling strong grooving around.

I feel confident when I walk into my boyfriends living room wearing a t-shirt and my pink polka dot pajamas and he looks at me and genuinely tells me I'm beautiful. I'm a frump and I can feel that he's ok with that.

I feel confident when I'm going out to have fun and I actually take time to do my makeup differently and wear that dress I bought a year ago that I love but never have occasion to wear. When I can spend time not thinking about anyone else and just feeling like I look like hot stuff. Bonus confidence points if it's with my friends and they're feeling as wild as me.

I feel confident coming out of a hot shower or bath. Right after I've shaved my legs for the first time in weeks, and I remember to actually spritz some rare perfume on. Putting on that pair of crisp red underwear, because why not? Snuggling down into my comforter and feeling the sensation of the fabric fold over my warmed clean body.

Every one of those scenarios, I know I'm confident. And most of the confidence comes from myself. From taking care of myself and doing something I love or being with loved ones. There aren't any reasons to feel down in those moments. No one to bring me down.

But it's later when that confidence can sink, and I lose that feeling of specialty.

I'm a gross, sweaty mess after dancing and who was I fooling? I can't really move my hips the way those beautiful people do. I'm a walrus flopping around at best. I'm that awkward white girl who's just being a wantabe.

I know my boyfriend likes me just fine, but the confidence falls when I know I could be better for him. I'm not the pretty person someone wants to show off to everyone. I'm not particularly entertaining. I fail spectacularly at initiating physical contact, even when I really want it. I'm too self conscious of my teeth and breath to kiss him and that is a big missing component for me. But how can I do that when all I can think about how grossed out he probably is of me?

I never dress up because there's no reason too. I look like I'm trying too hard. I just look fake. I don't even know what looks actually good on me. Fashion seems so easy when you look at complete outfits and as soon as you walk up to your own closet, all you can see is frump-ville.

Sure, everyone feels good after a long cleaning shower, but it lasts for like, what? A day or two, depending. And taking a shower every single day for me isn't good. As a diabetic, I have extremely dry skin, and washing my natural oils away everyday only worsens the feeling of tight, dry flakiness.

Confidence really comes and goes for me because it only really comes from me. And I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. First and foremost you should be your biggest confidence booster because you will always be with yourself. Yet, sometimes I wish that someone could take that responsibility away from me. Let someone else boost my confidence, but I've learned that isn't something I'll probably get. People don't usually think of boosting others confidence.

So I will do for others what cannot be done for me. My resolution this year is to boost someone's confidence every day this year whenever possible. Today is Random Act of Kindness Day. But I want that to be every day. I saw a great quote today that I will leave here. Happy belated Valentine's Day, all you beautiful people.

"Why is our generation so obsessed with hating love? Be sappy, buy gifts and hold hands in public. God forbid you love someone other than you." -a very wise person

Till next time,
Annie

My Life in Metaphor- A Caged Bald Eagle

I'm turning 20 next month. I'm pretty sure something went wrong and I'm in a coma and actually still 13 or something. The reality though is that I'm hitting that age where I 'should' be an adult. I 'should' be working on a fulfilling career. I 'should' be able to work a job that can pay for me to live on my own.

But I don't. I haven't been to college since I got sick. I can't get a job that will accommodate my level of strength from being through a lot this past year. I'm living with my parents, living off their grocery money, and I have a couple thousand in debt for schooling and medical bills.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to be able to pay those bills off in the future, but it makes it exceptionally when I'm working a retail job that hardly gives me many hours anyway and I'm making barely 200 bucks on a good paycheck.

So what do I do? I want a receptionist job. Sitting, still customer service, working with computers and payments. I can do that. I know I'm capable. But I'm missing experience. And no one will hire to give me that experience. It's frustrating. I'm ready to get a start on this adult life, but I feel so financially stuck.

I don't really know if this post can have a positive note. I've been trying my best to be less stressed out and anxious. I've even finally gone to the doctor about antidepressants which have surprisingly helped a lot. Way less panic attacks, less feeling like I'm constantly on the edge.

I still have so many worries. And you know, the simple solution is to just keep working hard every day. Persevere. I find that really hard to do. There are days that I just want to sleep the whole day, but it starts stressing me out about how much stuff I'm putting off.

Sometimes I think I just need to step away from every thing and every one. Even the ones I love. My friends, my family, my boyfriend. I need to close into myself and work for a while and eat, sleep, repeat. Not worry about ignoring others, just focus on getting back on MY feet. Because if I'm not solid with myself, how can I be solid for the ones I care about?

I need some routine back in my life. I can't seem to find any of that anymore. I used to love doing a night routine. Wash face, exfoliate, moisturize. Brush and floss teeth. Read a book. Bed. It was constant. I did it for me and I took my time with it.

But now, I don't know what happened. I feel scattered. I don't belong at my childhood home anymore, I don't belong at my boyfriends place because it's his home with his stuff, not mine. Everything I use is borrowed, I will always feel like I'm intruding either on my parents or my friends. But I can't find a place to go.

I want to run away. Somewhere with better opportunity or at least the illusion of it. Something different from the rut that I feel here, but I can't. People here depend on me too.

How can I live in the country of freedom, and feel so caged at only 20 years old.

Till next time,
Annie

The Reason I Dye My Hair: A Memoir to Blonde

So I dyed my hair again for the first time in about 3 months a couple nights ago. Leading up to it I received plenty of grief from my BF about letting my hair just grow out blonde. Despite his attempts to thwart my plans though, I went ahead and covered the blonde again with my brunette I love so much. And he's always telling me he doesn't understand why girls are always dying their hair the opposite color. Ya know, I can't really say why other girls do it. I suppose it's cause the want to have what they can usually have or so it for personal aesthetic.

I mean, sure. I personally like the way I look better with darker hair. I'm pretty pale, so my blonde kinda washes me out whereas brunette makes me feel like I'm alive and not a ghost. I like brown because it's still a natural color. People don't believe me when I say I'm blonde. It fits me.

But dying my hair is more than just to make me look prettier.

Before being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes more than 6 years ago, I had pretty normal-thick hair. It could grow long without being stringy and had shine and was healthy. And then when I was diagnosed and put on insulin, my body went through a stage of high stress and I lost A LOT of hair.

I remember one time in math class in 8th grade, I got out of my seat and I looked at it and stuck in the little metal rivets was a wad of hair. My hair. From 1 hour of sitting in class there was this giant tumbleweed. And I was mortified. I thought I was legitimately going to go bald. It made me go to a really low point in my life. Here I was trying to adjust to a whole new lifestyle, going through typical middle school ages things and now my hair was on a suicide mission. I already had crooked teeth. Already had glasses. Now my hair was going to be gone too?

This became a real worry for me, no matter how much my mom tried to convince me that it would stop as my body adjusted to insulin, and I wouldn't go bald. When you stand up and it appears that at minimum 100 hairs have given up on you, it doesn't make you feel good.

So I convinced my mom to let me dye my hair. I had always wanted too, for the vanity reasons, but she wouldn't allow me. But she saw that I needed a positive change after my life had been flipped.

I remember going to the haircut place and chopping off the long hair into the style of my favorite video game character (Yuna from Final Fantasy X - who happens to still be my basis for haircuts) and dying my hair with my mom in our kitchen. We went dark. It was the most exciting day I had had in a very long time.

And ever since that day so many years ago, I have generally maintained my brunette status.

My hair grew back thicker, it shed again when I under stress. It has never really gone back to that hair I once had, but I love it even more because it gave me a sense of control when all control in my life had been taken away. It was my step towards emotionally healing.

And then I almost lost it. All of it.

Back in February of this year I was diagnosed with aplastic anemia. I was going to have to go through chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant. And in the process, I was going to lose my hair.

And I had to accept that. For all I knew, my security blanket was going to be gone. My control wouldn't be there. It's one of the many things I cried about that month. And I felt so bad about feeling sad about it, but I couldn't help but feel hopeless.

Then I stepped up to the plate, and at my doctors visit at the cancer hospital, my mom and I legit looked at wigs. We had an idea, planned it all out, what style and color.

But boy did I go through the biggest twist in my life. I was told my body had managed to build back its blood and immune system. I did not have to go through chemo or a transplant for the foreseeable future. Sure, I'll always run the risk of it coming back and I will have to go through it but for now, I was fine. I was healed. As horrible as the past month had been, and how almost as confusingly devastating the news about being better was, I was going to keep my hair.

This hair that I choose to maintain and keep how I want it is even more precious to me. It sounds so stupid. It's just hair. But it's been a been a very significant symbol in my life.

It's the one thing that I love that I get to control and change and manipulate about myself. And if I ever decide to go blonde again, I will. But I'll get to decide that. Not the diseases that have already wrecked havoc on my life.

And that is why I dye my hair.

Till next time,
Annie

The 50 Questions About Me (41-50)

And here we are at the end. It's been interesting. The last questions are just random.

41. What is your first memory of being really excited?
It's not exactly a memory, but my late grandmother wrote a story about when I was little and how much I wanted those fake plastic heels and tiara thing. I guess it kinda feels like a memory now, since I've read it so many times.

42. When was the last time you were nervous?
When I had to call the dentist to set up an appointment. I dread appointments. And phone calls. And people (even when they're super friendly.)

43. What is something you learned in the last week?
I'm currently in process of learning how to make tea to my liking. It's something I want to get into, but it's not working out so well right now.

44. What story does your family always tell about you?
My family loves to tell this story of when we were driving in the mountains one time when I was little, and I saw a deer but I couldn't remember what it was called and so I started shouting, "Look! It's a... a... an ANIMAL!" I don't know why, but they laugh ever time they tell it.

45. At what age did you become an adult?
I'm still learning to adult.

46. Is a picture worth a thousand words?
Yeah, actions speak louder than words and pictures are just frozen images of those actions.

47. Where's Waldo?
Waldo's wherever he wants to be. Maybe he doesn't want to be found.

48. The best part of waking up is?
Breakfast.

49. How now brown cow?
Brown-chicken-brown-cow!

50. Whassssuuuppp?
The ceiling, and then atmostphere and then nothing and then maybe a star or planet or something.

Till next time,
Annie

The 50 Questions About Me (31-40)

Going back to the past....

31. Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?
Back when I was in marching band, the first year I had gotten on the hardest instrument to audition for, we had an overflow of people in the band and I had to split the marimba with some random kid who needed a spot. But it ended up ok, 'cause he became a really great friend and had someone to help push my 500 pound instrument around

32. What was one of the best parties you've ever been to?
Honestly, I've never been to a party I haven't enjoyed but I really enjoy my "Fearsome Foursome" parties. It's a group of four of us girls and we always have the absolute best conversations.

33. What was the last movie, TV show or book that make you cry or tear up?
I teared up watching Lost the other day. My best friend and boyfriend recommended and now I'm halfway through it.

34. What's the hardest thing you've ever done?
The hardest thing I've ever been through has been being diagnosed with two auto-immune diseases, but the hardest thing I've ever worked for was my state championships in marching band.

35. What was the last experience that made you a stronger person?
I sound like a broken record, but being at my weakest physically has built my strength as a person in general.

36. What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?
My closest brother and I fought A LOT growing up and my mom worked nights and slept during the day, so we got in trouble all the time for being loud and fighting.

37. When was the last time you had an amazing meal?
Every meal is amazing because food in general is amazing. But probably a Qdoba breakfast burrito has been my recent and rare favorite meal in the last couple months.

38. What is the best/worst gift you've ever givin/received?
The best gift I have ever given has been a handmade rice bag in the shape of a pug, it was the most hands on gift I've ever given. The best gift I have ever received an old PS2 because it was a throwback for me. The worst gift I've ever given has been a gothic piggy-bank for a white elephant Christmas gift, and the worst gift I've ever received has been a bag made out of a denim skirt from a distant aunt.

39. What do you miss most about being a kid?
I miss being able to not think about finances. As an adult, that's what your life revolves around is balancing money.

40. What is the first thing you bought with your own money?
The first important thing I ever 'bought' with my money was my dog's neuter surgery. My parents couldn't afford it at the time, and it needed to be done so I saved my money to pay for it.

Till next time,
Annie

The 50 Questions About Me (21-30)

Some more 'what ifs' and 5 speed round questions. GO!

21. If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet?
Dead? Probably classic artists like Leonardo da Vinci. Living? Probably my celebrity crush, Adam Levine.

22. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do?
Trip to somewhere fun, like Hawaii again, or Europe with all of my loved ones, and I wouldn't let them pay a thing.

23. If you were reincarnated as an animal/drink/ice cream flavor, what would it be?
A pug, diet soda, and cookie dough ice cream.

24. If you could know the answer to any question, besides "What is the meaning of life?", what would it be?
I wish that when people asked me what their good traits about them were, I could look at them and answer honestly and thoroughly.

25. If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?
If I wanted to be a strong type of woman, then I'd pick Art3mis from a book called Ready Player One. She's what you'd think of as a strong female character. But otherwise, if I didn't have to be all 'strong woman' I'd be Belle from Beauty and the Beast 'cause I'd want that library.

26. Which celebrity do you get mistaken for?
When I first dyed my hair dark, I got told I looked like Kirsten Stewart (or Bella from Twilight.) I don't think that so much anymore.

27. What do you want to be when you grow up?
As of the moment, I want to earn a certificate in either phlebotomy to stick other people with needles and draw their blood (in the nicest way possible) or radiology.

28. When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how to you pass the time?
I usually have my phone with apps, or I read or I take a small nap/relax period.

29. What would you name the autobiography of your life?
Plot Twist.

30. What songs are included on the soundtrack of your life?
The Starset album, random assortment of songs found on youtube, and probably a lot of alternative rock.

Till next time,
Annie