But I don't. I haven't been to college since I got sick. I can't get a job that will accommodate my level of strength from being through a lot this past year. I'm living with my parents, living off their grocery money, and I have a couple thousand in debt for schooling and medical bills.
I'm not saying that I'm not going to be able to pay those bills off in the future, but it makes it exceptionally when I'm working a retail job that hardly gives me many hours anyway and I'm making barely 200 bucks on a good paycheck.
So what do I do? I want a receptionist job. Sitting, still customer service, working with computers and payments. I can do that. I know I'm capable. But I'm missing experience. And no one will hire to give me that experience. It's frustrating. I'm ready to get a start on this adult life, but I feel so financially stuck.
I don't really know if this post can have a positive note. I've been trying my best to be less stressed out and anxious. I've even finally gone to the doctor about antidepressants which have surprisingly helped a lot. Way less panic attacks, less feeling like I'm constantly on the edge.
I still have so many worries. And you know, the simple solution is to just keep working hard every day. Persevere. I find that really hard to do. There are days that I just want to sleep the whole day, but it starts stressing me out about how much stuff I'm putting off.
Sometimes I think I just need to step away from every thing and every one. Even the ones I love. My friends, my family, my boyfriend. I need to close into myself and work for a while and eat, sleep, repeat. Not worry about ignoring others, just focus on getting back on MY feet. Because if I'm not solid with myself, how can I be solid for the ones I care about?
I need some routine back in my life. I can't seem to find any of that anymore. I used to love doing a night routine. Wash face, exfoliate, moisturize. Brush and floss teeth. Read a book. Bed. It was constant. I did it for me and I took my time with it.
But now, I don't know what happened. I feel scattered. I don't belong at my childhood home anymore, I don't belong at my boyfriends place because it's his home with his stuff, not mine. Everything I use is borrowed, I will always feel like I'm intruding either on my parents or my friends. But I can't find a place to go.
I want to run away. Somewhere with better opportunity or at least the illusion of it. Something different from the rut that I feel here, but I can't. People here depend on me too.
How can I live in the country of freedom, and feel so caged at only 20 years old.
Till next time,
Annie
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