Confession: I Am Selfish

In the grand scheme of things, I am a selfish person. Everything I do is because somewhere in my mind I know that every action is to benefit me in some way.

Even the things that might appear to be for others is only because I want to be praised for it. I cannot truly do anything that is selfless. 

I really wish that wasn't true, but it is. Is there any possible way that I could live my life selflessly?

My birthday is coming up. Part of me wants to be excited for it, but the other part want to just forget about it.

I want to celebrate it. I'm lucky to have made it this far in life. I'm happy that this last year didn't kill me, literally. And I know deep inside there are people who can say they are happy I exist. Yet, I end up disappointing myself every year.

I don't know. When it comes to me feeling excited about something, I guess I hope others might be too. But I'm abnormal in that way. If someone else is celebrating it, I love to make them feel special. I would plan a party, surprise them with a gift, just make sure they are happy.

And sure those are good things for me to do, but then when something specific to me runs around I guess I just expect them to do the same, and that's not fair to them.

Most people don't like planning. Most people find it anxiety inducing to pick out a gift, even for their closest loved ones. Or maybe they're tight on money and really need to save and have a million things to do rather than be with my narcissistic self.

I understand that, really I do. Every logical cell in my body recognizes that other people have lives outside of me. They should, that's healthy for everyone.

But I can hear that little voice of dissappointment. That feeling of being ignored. Not cared for. I literally have no reason for this. I hate it. No ones forgotten about me. I have people who care for me and love me a lot.

But I can't imagine why, when I feel this selfish for wanting someone there. 

I need to get off this high horse. This feeling of entitlement. That if I do someone a favor that they owe me. They don't. Everything I do should be about because I love them, not because I'm doing a business exchange of kindness.

So I don't know. How can I celebrate my birthday when all I wish is that it was forgotten? I'd be so much easier if I could just give and not need anything in return. I wish I could just be an entity for good that people didn't have to care about or appreciate.

Till next time,

Annie