Advocating for Confidence

I am neither ugly nor beautiful. I have not repulsed others, but I don't attract them. I'm not always wearing sweatpants, but rarely dress up too. Not overweight, and not the skinniest. Neither tall nor short. If I am anything, I am average. Normal. In between everything. I'm ok.

I have those times wear I feel like sometimes that's worse than being on one side of that spectrum. What is unique about me? What sets me apart from all these other beautiful people walking around me?

If I were short, then I'd be cute and petite. If I were tall, I'd be a gorgeous amazon. If I wore sweats all the time, I'd be laid back and down to earth. If I dressed up I'd be the fashionable Pinterest worthy woman. If I were slimmer, I'd be a model fitting into those unbelievable size 2s. If I were larger, I'd be the sexy curvy woman. But I'm not. I fall too much in the middle to be any of those things. Sure, you can list the negatives of each too. Clothes would be harder to find. If I wore sweats I'd be called lazy, but if I dressed up I'd be stuck up. Yet, I can't think of a time where I have ever seen a truly ugly woman. I can list those positives much faster than the negatives.

Yet as soon as I look at myself in the mirror, the negatives come much quicker than those positives. It is much easier for me to feel like I am the only actual ugly person on this earth. I know that's ridiculous too. If I cannot seem to find an ugly person on this planet, how do I truly believe I am? Confidence is such a weird thing.

I feel confident in the weirdest ways.

I feel confident when I light a candle and dance to my Pentatonix for an hour, flinging myself around like a maniac, sweating like a cow. But I'm there feeling amazing and sexy in the candlelight with my baggy pants and my sports bra with my abs and waist feeling strong grooving around.

I feel confident when I walk into my boyfriends living room wearing a t-shirt and my pink polka dot pajamas and he looks at me and genuinely tells me I'm beautiful. I'm a frump and I can feel that he's ok with that.

I feel confident when I'm going out to have fun and I actually take time to do my makeup differently and wear that dress I bought a year ago that I love but never have occasion to wear. When I can spend time not thinking about anyone else and just feeling like I look like hot stuff. Bonus confidence points if it's with my friends and they're feeling as wild as me.

I feel confident coming out of a hot shower or bath. Right after I've shaved my legs for the first time in weeks, and I remember to actually spritz some rare perfume on. Putting on that pair of crisp red underwear, because why not? Snuggling down into my comforter and feeling the sensation of the fabric fold over my warmed clean body.

Every one of those scenarios, I know I'm confident. And most of the confidence comes from myself. From taking care of myself and doing something I love or being with loved ones. There aren't any reasons to feel down in those moments. No one to bring me down.

But it's later when that confidence can sink, and I lose that feeling of specialty.

I'm a gross, sweaty mess after dancing and who was I fooling? I can't really move my hips the way those beautiful people do. I'm a walrus flopping around at best. I'm that awkward white girl who's just being a wantabe.

I know my boyfriend likes me just fine, but the confidence falls when I know I could be better for him. I'm not the pretty person someone wants to show off to everyone. I'm not particularly entertaining. I fail spectacularly at initiating physical contact, even when I really want it. I'm too self conscious of my teeth and breath to kiss him and that is a big missing component for me. But how can I do that when all I can think about how grossed out he probably is of me?

I never dress up because there's no reason too. I look like I'm trying too hard. I just look fake. I don't even know what looks actually good on me. Fashion seems so easy when you look at complete outfits and as soon as you walk up to your own closet, all you can see is frump-ville.

Sure, everyone feels good after a long cleaning shower, but it lasts for like, what? A day or two, depending. And taking a shower every single day for me isn't good. As a diabetic, I have extremely dry skin, and washing my natural oils away everyday only worsens the feeling of tight, dry flakiness.

Confidence really comes and goes for me because it only really comes from me. And I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. First and foremost you should be your biggest confidence booster because you will always be with yourself. Yet, sometimes I wish that someone could take that responsibility away from me. Let someone else boost my confidence, but I've learned that isn't something I'll probably get. People don't usually think of boosting others confidence.

So I will do for others what cannot be done for me. My resolution this year is to boost someone's confidence every day this year whenever possible. Today is Random Act of Kindness Day. But I want that to be every day. I saw a great quote today that I will leave here. Happy belated Valentine's Day, all you beautiful people.

"Why is our generation so obsessed with hating love? Be sappy, buy gifts and hold hands in public. God forbid you love someone other than you." -a very wise person

Till next time,
Annie

My Life in Metaphor- A Caged Bald Eagle

I'm turning 20 next month. I'm pretty sure something went wrong and I'm in a coma and actually still 13 or something. The reality though is that I'm hitting that age where I 'should' be an adult. I 'should' be working on a fulfilling career. I 'should' be able to work a job that can pay for me to live on my own.

But I don't. I haven't been to college since I got sick. I can't get a job that will accommodate my level of strength from being through a lot this past year. I'm living with my parents, living off their grocery money, and I have a couple thousand in debt for schooling and medical bills.

I'm not saying that I'm not going to be able to pay those bills off in the future, but it makes it exceptionally when I'm working a retail job that hardly gives me many hours anyway and I'm making barely 200 bucks on a good paycheck.

So what do I do? I want a receptionist job. Sitting, still customer service, working with computers and payments. I can do that. I know I'm capable. But I'm missing experience. And no one will hire to give me that experience. It's frustrating. I'm ready to get a start on this adult life, but I feel so financially stuck.

I don't really know if this post can have a positive note. I've been trying my best to be less stressed out and anxious. I've even finally gone to the doctor about antidepressants which have surprisingly helped a lot. Way less panic attacks, less feeling like I'm constantly on the edge.

I still have so many worries. And you know, the simple solution is to just keep working hard every day. Persevere. I find that really hard to do. There are days that I just want to sleep the whole day, but it starts stressing me out about how much stuff I'm putting off.

Sometimes I think I just need to step away from every thing and every one. Even the ones I love. My friends, my family, my boyfriend. I need to close into myself and work for a while and eat, sleep, repeat. Not worry about ignoring others, just focus on getting back on MY feet. Because if I'm not solid with myself, how can I be solid for the ones I care about?

I need some routine back in my life. I can't seem to find any of that anymore. I used to love doing a night routine. Wash face, exfoliate, moisturize. Brush and floss teeth. Read a book. Bed. It was constant. I did it for me and I took my time with it.

But now, I don't know what happened. I feel scattered. I don't belong at my childhood home anymore, I don't belong at my boyfriends place because it's his home with his stuff, not mine. Everything I use is borrowed, I will always feel like I'm intruding either on my parents or my friends. But I can't find a place to go.

I want to run away. Somewhere with better opportunity or at least the illusion of it. Something different from the rut that I feel here, but I can't. People here depend on me too.

How can I live in the country of freedom, and feel so caged at only 20 years old.

Till next time,
Annie